im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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