if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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