Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
