Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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