Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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