I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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