if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
