There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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