Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
