How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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