god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
