the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
