last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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