My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
