did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
