OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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