Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
