I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
