Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
