Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
