ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
