i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
