i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
