one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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