I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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