i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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