last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
smell my finger.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
