Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
