so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
