Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
