Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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