just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
