it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
