i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
