Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
