My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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