I'm so fucking centered right now
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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