I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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