I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize