I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i think i just lost a toe
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