Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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