It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
