I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
