and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
