There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
