OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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