She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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