maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
