Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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