Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
